Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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