My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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