Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
