when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
