i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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