I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
