we have officially lost it.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
