I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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