it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
