It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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