i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
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