and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
