Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
