I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
