hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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