I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I could make wine with my vomit
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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