i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
FUCK WHALES
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
