WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
It's shark week go big or go home
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
