just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
