Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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