Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
