He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize