and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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