How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
