So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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