plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
this hospital has no fireball
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Randomize
