I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
well I can't set my house on fire every night
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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