Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
