You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Come on in and take your pants off
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