2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
