His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize