I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
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