I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
The uberlube is also flammable
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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