I heard we made out
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
