Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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