Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
