Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
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