Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
We just shotgunned beers for America
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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