I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize