I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
