our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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