Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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