Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
