you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
