guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
