I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
