Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
