I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
