Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Did we literally take a cab across the street
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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