I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
