last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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