I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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