I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
