The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Still dying that you shit outside
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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