I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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