I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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