im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
