Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
