Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
