Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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