sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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